It has been a while since I have written. I have been feeling totally shitty the past couple of weeks, usually contingent with a crippling fear that I have of producing something that is not magnificent. And the more I dilute this, the more I think the fear stems from not being able to express myself authentically. I already know how totally time and energy wasting this mentality is because in not attempting, you already fail. So, after going on a short walk today, during what is a quintessential October day with the sun shining and a prominent breeze undressing the trees, I feel compelled about going through what happened on a recent day where I decided to wear all of my favorite pieces in one outfit.
Everything just seemed to be going wrong and on this day I said to hell with this spoiled child mentality! I have truly nothing to complain about besides maybe nose-diving estrogen levels. I am seizing the day by throwing away any preconceived notions of what makes a presentable outfit by wearing my favorite shirt, my favorite pair of bottoms, my favorite jacket and my favorite shoes, and dismissing if any of it makes sense. When all else is failing, why not turn to your favorite favorites. At least my favorite jacket likes me :’).
Starting from the shoes up, I wore my black block heels that lace up the ankle. Super uncomfortable but only because I recently epiphanized the fact that maybe I was not actually a size 7 1/2 but instead, a magical 8. Whatever. Slightly uncomfortable but- to hell with that too! My favorite pants are nothing other than my hot pink ones from H&M. I am not a big fan of wearing pink but this color is the color of my light saber when I am just feeling monstrous. My favorite shirt is my Paris, Je t’aime white tee. The writing is in blue cursive with a big red heart and a blue Tour Eiffel to iconographically, say everything I am thinking when I am feeling lousy. I wish I was in Paris.
To keep me warm, I wore my furry, ivory varsity jacket. Hair went in a high bun and I said to hell with earrings too. I felt emotionally exposed, unable to shake off this lousiness and bearing my ears naked felt true to my core.
While there was no game changing moment the day I wore this outfit other than a couple compliments here and there about my favorite jacket, I felt like shocking people was okay. One of my favorite customers Nancy, called me a riot one time and on this day I felt it was exceptionally okay to be that. My outfit was loud, so I had every right to be totally blunt and unfiltered on this day. I was just truthfully, unapologetically myself regardless the discomfort that came when I refused to play off awkward moments. I did not pressure myself to act purely angelic or severely outgoing, just present with the rooted belief that there is no way I want to stray from being good to people and that is enough.